Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include <nonsense.h>
void bugfix ( void )
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library*/
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say ( x ) lie ( x )
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship
another_beta_version
void main ( void )
{
if ( latest_window_version > one_month_old )
}
{
if ( there_are_still_bugs )
}
market ( bugfix ) ;
if ( sales_drop_below_certain_point )
raise ( RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION ) ;
while ( everyone_chats_about_new_version )
{
make_false_promise ( it_will_be_multitasking ) ; /*Standard Call, in lie.h */
}
if ( rumours_grow_wilder )
make_false_promise ( it_will_be_plug_n_play ) ;
if ( rumours_grow_even_wilder )
{
market_time = ripe ;
}
say ( "It will be ready in one month ) ;
order ( programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version )
;
order ( programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version )
;
order ( marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense )
;
vapourware=TRUE ;
break ;
switch ( nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress )
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
}
say ( "It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing" ) ;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
break ;
say ( "Yes it will work" ) ;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
ask ( programmers, why_does_it_not_work ) ;
pretend ( there_is_no_problem ) ;
break ;
say ( "It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32
bits architecture" ) ;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
inform ( INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh" ) ;
inform ( SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'cos all those
customers will need at least 32 megs" ) ;
inform ( QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple" ) ;
get_big_bonus ( INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM ) ;
break ;
say ( "Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone" ) ;
register ( journalist, Big_Bill_Book ) ;
when ( time_is_ripe )
{
arrest ( journalist ) ;
}
brainwash ( journalist ) ;
when ( journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree )
{
order ( journalist, "write a nice objective article" ) ;
}
release ( journalist ) ;
break ;
while ( vapourware )
{
introduction_date++ ; /* Delay */
}
if ( no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release )
break ;
say ( "It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH ) ;
release ( beta_version )
while ( everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware )
{
bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks ;
}
release ( new_and_even_better_beta_version ) ;
introduce ( more_memory_requirements ) ;
if ( customers_report_installation_problems )
{
say ( "that is a hardware problem, not a software problem" ) ;
}
if ( smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play )
{
ignore ( customer ) ;
}
order ( microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard" ) ;
if ( bills_bank_account > skyhigh
&& marriage > two_years )
{
divorce ( woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her ) ;
}
wave ( dollars, at_lusty_chicks ) ;
marry ( young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies ) ;
devirginize ( young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies ) ;
if ( boobies_start_to_hang )
dump ( young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies ) ;
if ( there_is_another_company )
{
steal ( their_ideas ) ;
}
accuse ( compagny, stealing_our_ideas ) ;
hire ( a_lot_of_lawyers ) ;
/* in process.h */
wait ( until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit ) ;
buy_out ( other_company ) ;
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all
angry at us */
order ( plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard ) ;
buy ( nice_little_island ) ;
hire ( harem ) ;
laugh_at ( everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version ) ;
{
charge ( a_lot_of_money )
}
if ( customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix )
say ( "It is not a bugfix but a new version" ) ;
if ( still_complaints )
{
ignore ( customer ) ;
}
register ( customer, big_Bill_book ) ;
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
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